Something's Lost, but Something is Gained by Living Everyday...

So, my first blog... No use in beating around the bush... let's get right to it.

My life has been one of blessing and fortitude. My father in heaven has given me more than I deserve, and yet he still continues to bless me all my days. I am a man who is eternally grateful for all I have been given, and all I will receive. At times, though, there are things in which I do not understand, which I will attempt to gain knowledge of through prayer, the bible, my family, and experiences...my own experiences. I usually understand things better after I've written them down, which I believe this will be for...

In the midst of these blogs, I may swear numerous times, I may seem racist, but this is how I feel and I will voice my feelings when need be... This doesn't make me any less of a man; this just makes me less of a push-over. The world needs people who are strong and determined in their faith and values. Ones who will push the competition over and call out their lies in front of them... I am such a man, and will not adhere to the ways of the world. I live in it, but am not of it. So, there it is.

I wrote this while I was in the library the other day...while I was doing homework...
Here it is:

And as I sit here and think:
Has my life amounted to anything?...

With covered eyes I looked at life as a playground-my playground.
Traveling everywhere I could at the speed of sound-never turning around.
With ears that could hear the clouds scrape,
and eyes that could see into the deepest, darkest of souls;
I couldn't hear the danger coming my way,
nor could I see what heartache lies so close...

An absent mind in my body, I dive in.
Completely at peace with what I've done, and excitement plastered on my selfish grin.
I give it all, everything I've got to what I wanted,
While forgetting about the things most important...
I loved where I was, I loved the feelings I had
I loved the warm touch of the hands, and I longed to gaze into those eyes...
Paradise... or so I thought.

Still, with my covered eyes, I see the joy that sadness brings,
I laugh at the fact that misery loves its company,
and I see...only what I want to see.
Selfishness got in the way, just when I thought I knew it all,
I found out that I knew nothing-nothing at all...

With an attempt to put it all behind me,
I realize my past always comes back and sweeps me off my feet.
With a broken and tattered heart I dive back in,
Knowing I won't like it in the end.
History has spoken for itself, but it feels so good to put it on the shelf.
Waist another year to a hopeless romance in which I die-inside-
for the betterment of myself.

At my favorite time of year I hold on to, and give all myself to,
Something which has caused so many tears.
"this is the last time" I say,
but the beauty of this hopeless romance
forces me to try, try, and try again.

With my covered eyes, and broken heart
I realize my plans were flawed from the start.
So I'll stay here where I stand, but be gone for another year in my head.
How many times until the last?
Through endless liquid cures I'll find the answer.
All in due time.
I'll soon be fine.

My reoccurring annual nightmare comes to haunt me again,
The last time? No, just hold my hand, say anything and I'll be fine.
Tell me you'll love me and I'll believe you,
Tell me you don't, and I'll call you untrue.
It doesn't stop my broken, senseless heart from believing in what seems to be...
Unbelievable.

You obviously don't see what you do to me.
That's ok, I'll just tell you for the 15th time this week.
Maybe I missed something yesterday,
so I'll rewrite my lyrics so your shallow, impenetrable heart can understand.
"Why all this effort?" You ask...
"Isn't it obvious?" I respond. "I love you, and it's worth it."

How foolish...

So you get up and leave, you run, you hide...
I've seen it happen too much to call it the last time.
Apparently, "I love you" isn't enough,
so you run away from your life, from the ones you 'love'.
This is not what I need, this is not where I want to be...
My heavenly.

So now, with my uncovered eyes and my broken, yet wonderful, heart;
I take heed in the fact that I will live to fight another day.
And, dammit, it will be one hell of a day...today.
Today I leave it all behind,
I leave you behind.
Today I become the man I am meant to be
without you near to me...

I have spent the last 4 years doing my best to explain love,
some words that will describe this emotion feeling people speak so fondly of.
Then I realize what I should have known all along...
Those who think they know, or who think they can explain love,
don't really know what it is at all.

Love is the great mystery of our time...
And no one will ever figure this out, not in our lifetime.

So I'll pack up and move to California,
I think I'll go to Boston,
Hell, I'll do whatever I have to do to find a life away from my reoccurring nightmare,
which visits me every year...
To live a life apart from the torn and tattered beatings of my heart,
and all the pieces you have in the back seat of your car.

Keep it-because I'll never look back, I'll never turn around.
Life is my playground,
and I love the fact that I'll never know anything,
anything at all...