Step Aside.

I've found out...

I've found out that I can no longer live in a life of sorrow an past dealings. Dealings, meaning lives. I constantly think about us and what could ave, but not would have, happened. I earnestly write you in hope of a response, and I eagerly await to hear from you in some way. I think about all the fun we'vehad, all the glorious activities we've contributed in together, all the life I have poured into you. Did you know that I have given you everything I've had in me, and more? And yet, with your actions this past year I feel as if you have completely thrown it back in my face. Amongst your actions lie irrevocable damage you have done to my heart. It took me a long time to get to the point where I could finally be content with who you are and where we are as friends, or better yet, "friends." Things don't happen like this. Things aren't supposed to happen like this... We weren't meant to be separated. Had you return any of my phone calls, or even responded to one of the many worldly communications (i.e.-texting), I would have so many questions for you. I would ask for an explanation. An explanation of why you left me, why you alienated me, why you took advantage of who I am, and my forgiveness, above all, love for you. If you knew me at all you would know that all I've ever wanted to do is completely spend time with you. Any amount would suffice. Even if it's for a short time.

I wonder if you know how much I care for you.

How hypocritical you have been these past two years, and how ridiculous and adolescent of me to allow it. I feel as though I'm chasing after something that has no future or no dedication, like a bad relationship... Like the 5 years I spent chasing after Amberly... and we all know how that turned out.
It's about 'time' with you, isn't it? I just don't fit into your schedule. How sorry I am for this. How sorry I am for attempting to maintain a friendship that seems to be a one-way road, and I'm the only one traveling it. And it's about a temporary high you give to people to reassure them of time you will be spending with them, but we all know better. You have brought this down to an art-form, lying, and it's ridiculous and offensive to see how good you are at it. I've never seen such hypocrisy.

"Sometimes I cannot forgive, these days mercy cuts so deep."
"If I could say half the things I wanted, I'd either be happy or hanging from a tree branch. Either way, the temptation is unbearable."
"And my heart left my chest, so forgive me..."

I can't sit here and pretend that everything is alright anymore... I can't listen to you speak and hear lies, but look in your eyes and see the truth. It hurts me too much to paint a smile on my face and laugh at your words, when inside I am truthfully broken between you and me. Above all, I can't accept that you're ok with this. That you haven't given me a second thought. This, I do not approve of. After everything I've done, all I've given you, I am a ghost. A shadow in a dark alley to you...

But here, At The Bottom of Everything, I will find glory in all of this. The loss of you will bring something better in my life, of this I am sure. I will look for the good in so much bad, the happiness in so much sorrow. This, I promise you.

Work

I think that I fell too fast...

This usually happens with me. I end up getting pretty pumped about a relationship, and then when the time comes around to atually go for it... It blows up in my face.

I think I pushed her away...

When she came into my life the first time, I totally blew it. Hard core. But with the option of something so much more than I ever thought possible within my grasps, I feel as though it has slipped away from me. I've never been the best with words, and I think tonight only proved it. I've never been able to "sweep a girl off their feet" or to be the "one man every girl is looking for." I don't necessarily want to be that kind of person, but at times like these, you begin to think of all the things that could be, not all the things that are...

Above all, I know God is testing me in order to become the man I am supposed to be. I am so humble to that, but then again, so blind to almost everything He challenges me with. But, just when I think I need something more, I read Rachel's new blog and find all the meaning I need. It's in Psalm 4, and it shows us that we're all stupid, and that we should just rest assured that God has it pretty much planned out.

I know God hears me, but sometimes I don't trust it. How wrong is that? There's so much work that needs to be done... So much

The Valley Song...

Well, I know I have just been putting up song lyrics lately... Lately meaning all of my posts in the last two months... But I love getting completely lost in lyrics.  It's something I do to pass my time, and I'm pretty philosophical like that, I guess.  I diagnose songs for all they're worth.  Especially: Bright Eyes, Brand New, Emery, Jars of Clay, Jackson Browne, The Scene Aesthetic, Relient K, and others...  These are the bands (thus far) that I love to listen to mainly because of their lyrics.  When artists put everything they have into their profession, I return the favor, in kind, by listening to their songs over and over and over again in order to find what lies beneath.  Here's one of those songs.  One of my favorites by this band, actually.

The Valley Song (Sing of Your Mercy)

by: Jars of Clay

You have led me to the sadness,
I have carried this pain

On a back bruised, nearly broken;
I'm crying out to You.

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death, like a gypsy,
Comes to steal what I love.
I will still look to the heavens.
I will still seek your face.

But I fear You aren't listening,
Because there are no words.
Just the stillness,
and the hunger,
For a faith that assures.

I will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy

alleluia, alleluia.
alleluia, alleluia.

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut.
Face to the ground using our hands
to cover the fatal cut.
Though the pain is an ocean
tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters,
and higher mountains have come down.

I will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy.

I will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy.

alleluia, alleluia.
alleluia, alleluia.

This is an amazing song.  I hope you all listen to it.  Have a good day...

Were it So Easy...

Insincerity

It's been a long time since I felt the rain upon my head

It's been a long time since I felt the rain upon my head

A moment in separation the foreground don't seem so bright.
These angels in my head are in between the shadow and the light.

Were my arms to short to ransom you from broken skin and black and blue
Unstitch your eyes so you could read this forever

Dead and broken and I'm backwards turned to love
My heart in a box I send you
for a sky held up by stars

Were my arms to short to ransom you from broken skin and black and blue
Unstitch your eyes so you could read this forever

It's been a long time since I felt the rain upon my head
Your varying degrees of grayness tugging the deepest of heartstrings.

Were my arms to short to ransom you from broken skin and black and blue
Unstitch your eyes so you could read this forever
Were my arms to short to ransom you from broken skin and black and blue

I'll stitch your eyes so you could read this forever.

By: Further Seems Forever

Taking Two to the Chest to Remember One to the Head to Forget...

I won't pretend
That we are all friends...
When all of us know that we're not.

And I am afraid
Of pulling my name
From all of the places I know I've been...

...On this slow down descent

The Anatomy of the Tongue - in - Cheek

"Jesus I pray: Take all my mistakes and throw them away. Destroy them for my sake. Jesus I call out because I'm sorry. Because I fall so short of your glory. To the best of my ability, I'm practicing humility. And I lay myself before, because less is more..."

How often do we need to pray this prayer? Oh yeah, everyday. As soon as I started to play this song this morning, I became so humble in the presence of Him. It was amazing.

Forever and a day I will be thankful for what it is I have been given. By the grace of God we are saved, and I couldn't be happier.

"Jesus I plead: please purify me. Make my heart clean, drench me with your mercy. Jesus I pray: I love you I need you. For the rest of my days, I swear I will seek you. To the best of my ability I'm practicing humility. And I lay myself before, because less is more."

And my heart left my chest...

Matthew 5 is a good book and chapter of the Bible. Read it.

Other lyrics that make me contemplative...

Thoughtlife
by
Emery

And my heart left my chest so forgive me
As you leave to find that next something new.
But I can't for the life of me remember when
You changed your words from 'I love you' to say you 'don't know.'

Just know that you can't take back what you've said.
Darling I'm not in the forgiving mood.
You kept on replying it was 'all in my head,'
Well you're just a liar,
And I've got the proof...
I've got the proof.

So with these few words you'll erase me.
Two years of our lives meant nothing to you.
But this fool that you've made of me has a lesson learned;
You can't trust a lover who was never a friend.

The end

Just know that you can't take back what you've said.
Darling I'm not in the forgiving mood.
You kept on replying it was 'all in my head,'
Well you're just a liar, and I've got the proof.
I got the proof.

I would have offered my life.
Taking you home,
Made you my wife.
But hearing you now,
filling your mouth
with the cowards lies
You're just a disguise
Of the girl of my dreams.
But I know she's waiting for me...

So I'll open my eyes to the day that's before me,
And leave here to find the next something new...