Step Aside.

I've found out...

I've found out that I can no longer live in a life of sorrow an past dealings. Dealings, meaning lives. I constantly think about us and what could ave, but not would have, happened. I earnestly write you in hope of a response, and I eagerly await to hear from you in some way. I think about all the fun we'vehad, all the glorious activities we've contributed in together, all the life I have poured into you. Did you know that I have given you everything I've had in me, and more? And yet, with your actions this past year I feel as if you have completely thrown it back in my face. Amongst your actions lie irrevocable damage you have done to my heart. It took me a long time to get to the point where I could finally be content with who you are and where we are as friends, or better yet, "friends." Things don't happen like this. Things aren't supposed to happen like this... We weren't meant to be separated. Had you return any of my phone calls, or even responded to one of the many worldly communications (i.e.-texting), I would have so many questions for you. I would ask for an explanation. An explanation of why you left me, why you alienated me, why you took advantage of who I am, and my forgiveness, above all, love for you. If you knew me at all you would know that all I've ever wanted to do is completely spend time with you. Any amount would suffice. Even if it's for a short time.

I wonder if you know how much I care for you.

How hypocritical you have been these past two years, and how ridiculous and adolescent of me to allow it. I feel as though I'm chasing after something that has no future or no dedication, like a bad relationship... Like the 5 years I spent chasing after Amberly... and we all know how that turned out.
It's about 'time' with you, isn't it? I just don't fit into your schedule. How sorry I am for this. How sorry I am for attempting to maintain a friendship that seems to be a one-way road, and I'm the only one traveling it. And it's about a temporary high you give to people to reassure them of time you will be spending with them, but we all know better. You have brought this down to an art-form, lying, and it's ridiculous and offensive to see how good you are at it. I've never seen such hypocrisy.

"Sometimes I cannot forgive, these days mercy cuts so deep."
"If I could say half the things I wanted, I'd either be happy or hanging from a tree branch. Either way, the temptation is unbearable."
"And my heart left my chest, so forgive me..."

I can't sit here and pretend that everything is alright anymore... I can't listen to you speak and hear lies, but look in your eyes and see the truth. It hurts me too much to paint a smile on my face and laugh at your words, when inside I am truthfully broken between you and me. Above all, I can't accept that you're ok with this. That you haven't given me a second thought. This, I do not approve of. After everything I've done, all I've given you, I am a ghost. A shadow in a dark alley to you...

But here, At The Bottom of Everything, I will find glory in all of this. The loss of you will bring something better in my life, of this I am sure. I will look for the good in so much bad, the happiness in so much sorrow. This, I promise you.