Step Aside.

I've found out...

I've found out that I can no longer live in a life of sorrow an past dealings. Dealings, meaning lives. I constantly think about us and what could ave, but not would have, happened. I earnestly write you in hope of a response, and I eagerly await to hear from you in some way. I think about all the fun we'vehad, all the glorious activities we've contributed in together, all the life I have poured into you. Did you know that I have given you everything I've had in me, and more? And yet, with your actions this past year I feel as if you have completely thrown it back in my face. Amongst your actions lie irrevocable damage you have done to my heart. It took me a long time to get to the point where I could finally be content with who you are and where we are as friends, or better yet, "friends." Things don't happen like this. Things aren't supposed to happen like this... We weren't meant to be separated. Had you return any of my phone calls, or even responded to one of the many worldly communications (i.e.-texting), I would have so many questions for you. I would ask for an explanation. An explanation of why you left me, why you alienated me, why you took advantage of who I am, and my forgiveness, above all, love for you. If you knew me at all you would know that all I've ever wanted to do is completely spend time with you. Any amount would suffice. Even if it's for a short time.

I wonder if you know how much I care for you.

How hypocritical you have been these past two years, and how ridiculous and adolescent of me to allow it. I feel as though I'm chasing after something that has no future or no dedication, like a bad relationship... Like the 5 years I spent chasing after Amberly... and we all know how that turned out.
It's about 'time' with you, isn't it? I just don't fit into your schedule. How sorry I am for this. How sorry I am for attempting to maintain a friendship that seems to be a one-way road, and I'm the only one traveling it. And it's about a temporary high you give to people to reassure them of time you will be spending with them, but we all know better. You have brought this down to an art-form, lying, and it's ridiculous and offensive to see how good you are at it. I've never seen such hypocrisy.

"Sometimes I cannot forgive, these days mercy cuts so deep."
"If I could say half the things I wanted, I'd either be happy or hanging from a tree branch. Either way, the temptation is unbearable."
"And my heart left my chest, so forgive me..."

I can't sit here and pretend that everything is alright anymore... I can't listen to you speak and hear lies, but look in your eyes and see the truth. It hurts me too much to paint a smile on my face and laugh at your words, when inside I am truthfully broken between you and me. Above all, I can't accept that you're ok with this. That you haven't given me a second thought. This, I do not approve of. After everything I've done, all I've given you, I am a ghost. A shadow in a dark alley to you...

But here, At The Bottom of Everything, I will find glory in all of this. The loss of you will bring something better in my life, of this I am sure. I will look for the good in so much bad, the happiness in so much sorrow. This, I promise you.

Work

I think that I fell too fast...

This usually happens with me. I end up getting pretty pumped about a relationship, and then when the time comes around to atually go for it... It blows up in my face.

I think I pushed her away...

When she came into my life the first time, I totally blew it. Hard core. But with the option of something so much more than I ever thought possible within my grasps, I feel as though it has slipped away from me. I've never been the best with words, and I think tonight only proved it. I've never been able to "sweep a girl off their feet" or to be the "one man every girl is looking for." I don't necessarily want to be that kind of person, but at times like these, you begin to think of all the things that could be, not all the things that are...

Above all, I know God is testing me in order to become the man I am supposed to be. I am so humble to that, but then again, so blind to almost everything He challenges me with. But, just when I think I need something more, I read Rachel's new blog and find all the meaning I need. It's in Psalm 4, and it shows us that we're all stupid, and that we should just rest assured that God has it pretty much planned out.

I know God hears me, but sometimes I don't trust it. How wrong is that? There's so much work that needs to be done... So much

The Valley Song...

Well, I know I have just been putting up song lyrics lately... Lately meaning all of my posts in the last two months... But I love getting completely lost in lyrics.  It's something I do to pass my time, and I'm pretty philosophical like that, I guess.  I diagnose songs for all they're worth.  Especially: Bright Eyes, Brand New, Emery, Jars of Clay, Jackson Browne, The Scene Aesthetic, Relient K, and others...  These are the bands (thus far) that I love to listen to mainly because of their lyrics.  When artists put everything they have into their profession, I return the favor, in kind, by listening to their songs over and over and over again in order to find what lies beneath.  Here's one of those songs.  One of my favorites by this band, actually.

The Valley Song (Sing of Your Mercy)

by: Jars of Clay

You have led me to the sadness,
I have carried this pain

On a back bruised, nearly broken;
I'm crying out to You.

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death, like a gypsy,
Comes to steal what I love.
I will still look to the heavens.
I will still seek your face.

But I fear You aren't listening,
Because there are no words.
Just the stillness,
and the hunger,
For a faith that assures.

I will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy

alleluia, alleluia.
alleluia, alleluia.

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut.
Face to the ground using our hands
to cover the fatal cut.
Though the pain is an ocean
tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters,
and higher mountains have come down.

I will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy.

I will sing of Your mercy
that leads me through valleys of sorrow
to rivers of joy.

alleluia, alleluia.
alleluia, alleluia.

This is an amazing song.  I hope you all listen to it.  Have a good day...

Were it So Easy...

Insincerity

It's been a long time since I felt the rain upon my head

It's been a long time since I felt the rain upon my head

A moment in separation the foreground don't seem so bright.
These angels in my head are in between the shadow and the light.

Were my arms to short to ransom you from broken skin and black and blue
Unstitch your eyes so you could read this forever

Dead and broken and I'm backwards turned to love
My heart in a box I send you
for a sky held up by stars

Were my arms to short to ransom you from broken skin and black and blue
Unstitch your eyes so you could read this forever

It's been a long time since I felt the rain upon my head
Your varying degrees of grayness tugging the deepest of heartstrings.

Were my arms to short to ransom you from broken skin and black and blue
Unstitch your eyes so you could read this forever
Were my arms to short to ransom you from broken skin and black and blue

I'll stitch your eyes so you could read this forever.

By: Further Seems Forever

Taking Two to the Chest to Remember One to the Head to Forget...

I won't pretend
That we are all friends...
When all of us know that we're not.

And I am afraid
Of pulling my name
From all of the places I know I've been...

...On this slow down descent

The Anatomy of the Tongue - in - Cheek

"Jesus I pray: Take all my mistakes and throw them away. Destroy them for my sake. Jesus I call out because I'm sorry. Because I fall so short of your glory. To the best of my ability, I'm practicing humility. And I lay myself before, because less is more..."

How often do we need to pray this prayer? Oh yeah, everyday. As soon as I started to play this song this morning, I became so humble in the presence of Him. It was amazing.

Forever and a day I will be thankful for what it is I have been given. By the grace of God we are saved, and I couldn't be happier.

"Jesus I plead: please purify me. Make my heart clean, drench me with your mercy. Jesus I pray: I love you I need you. For the rest of my days, I swear I will seek you. To the best of my ability I'm practicing humility. And I lay myself before, because less is more."

And my heart left my chest...

Matthew 5 is a good book and chapter of the Bible. Read it.

Other lyrics that make me contemplative...

Thoughtlife
by
Emery

And my heart left my chest so forgive me
As you leave to find that next something new.
But I can't for the life of me remember when
You changed your words from 'I love you' to say you 'don't know.'

Just know that you can't take back what you've said.
Darling I'm not in the forgiving mood.
You kept on replying it was 'all in my head,'
Well you're just a liar,
And I've got the proof...
I've got the proof.

So with these few words you'll erase me.
Two years of our lives meant nothing to you.
But this fool that you've made of me has a lesson learned;
You can't trust a lover who was never a friend.

The end

Just know that you can't take back what you've said.
Darling I'm not in the forgiving mood.
You kept on replying it was 'all in my head,'
Well you're just a liar, and I've got the proof.
I got the proof.

I would have offered my life.
Taking you home,
Made you my wife.
But hearing you now,
filling your mouth
with the cowards lies
You're just a disguise
Of the girl of my dreams.
But I know she's waiting for me...

So I'll open my eyes to the day that's before me,
And leave here to find the next something new...

The Last Resort

"The Last Resort"
by:
The Eagles

She came from Providence,
the one in Rhode Island
Where the old world shadows hang
heavy in the air.
She packed her hopes and dreams
like a refugee.
Just as her father came across the sea.

She heard about a place people were smilin'
They spoke about the red man's way,
and how they loved the land.
And they came from everywhere
to the Great Divide
Seeking a place to stand,
or a place to hide.

Down in the crowded bars,
out for a good time,
"Can't wait to tell you all,
what it's like up there."
And they called it paradise
I don't know why.
Somebody laid the mountains low
while the town got high.

Then the chilly winds blew down
Across the desert
Through the canyons of the coast, to
the Malibu.
Where the pretty people play,
hungry for power
to light their neon way
and give them things to do.

Some rich men came and raped the land,
Nobody caught 'em.
Put up a bunch of ugly boxes, and Jesus'
people bought 'em.
And they called it paradise
The place to be;
They watched the hazy sun, sinking in the sea.

You can leave it all behind
and sail to Lahaina;
just like the missionaries did, so many years ago.
They even brought a neon sign:"Jesus is coming"
Brought the white man's burden down,
Brought the white man's reign.

Who will provide the grand design?
What is yours and what is mine?
'Cause there is no more new frontier,
We have got to make it here.

We satisfy our endless needs and
justify our bloody deeds;
in the name of destiny
and in the name of God.

And you can see them there,
On Sunday morning.
Stand up and sing about
What it's like up there.
They called it 'paradise'
I don't know why.
You call someplace paradise,
kiss it goodbye...

Man, how I love The Eagles.

Come Winter...

"We put no stumbling block in anyone's path, so that our ministry will not be discredited. Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance: in troubles, in hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything."
-2 Corinthians 6:3-10

I Can Make a Mess Like Nobody's Business

"Ok, I Believe You, but My SHOVEL Don't..."

Lyrics that please me...

"Timshel"
by:
I Can Make a Mess Like Nobody's Business

"I sink into the wall.
And staring up I saw,
I'm alone in all my thoughts,
Too afraid to be crazy I run.
It always finds me driving right through town,
With the windows down I fly.
Its the feeling spring has brought,
But an eye for the winter's what I got,
It always finds me...

So tonight,
When I left here,
All said was goodbye and thats alright.
No "I'll see you later",
I've been trying my whole life.
And if its an eye for an eye why cant I get this right?
I'm too slow to go fast,
I'm too nervous to do that,
So I run, run away. Why should I?...

I take my chances slow,
After all it's no one's fault.
But the pain seems to crave my life,
So ashamed of my weakness I lie.
It always finds me...

So tonight
When I left here,
All I said was goodbye and thats alright.
No "I'll see you later",
I've been trying my whole life.
And if its an eye for an eye why cant i get this right?
I'm too slow to go fast,
I'm too nervous to do that.
So I run, run away. Why should I?...

Why should I?
Why should I?
Why should I?"

...And the Life I Have

The Sun is out
I am Happy.

And this could be another reason for my happiness:


And this:


Wait... And this:


And this... Of course:


But most of all:


I'm not sure how I became deserving of all this, but I grow more and more grateful everyday that passes for all I've been given. My life would be empty without the Lords grace and mercy to drive me to become better and better in the eyes of He that matters most...

God is Good...All the Time.

I Can't Hide From My Own Eyes...

So, politics:

I was talking to my friends yesterday, and my sister, and I have decided that I don't care if we have an African American president, nor do I care of McCain wins. My mentality is this:

ANYBODY BUT HILARY.

Then I also came to this conclusion: God won't let Hilary Clinton win the election, nor will He, the Lord Almighty, allow a woman to lead this country. I am not a sexist by any means, but I am well aware of the emotional instability that lies within all women. All women. Hilary's interview proved it, where she burst out crying while speaking of "plans" for this country. If she did become president, and I were a terrorist, I would bomb the flahootie out of the capital city due to stupidity. All countries would laugh at us, without a doubt. And, according most recent polls: if Obama wins the Democratic majority vote, and McCain wins the Republican vote; Obama will have a better chance of beating McCain. If Hilary wins the Democratic vote (hell on earth), and McCain wins the Republicans, McCain would annihilate Hilary in a no-contest battle. Hilary starts out with 47% of the country against her... HA! Not a really good place to start out, I'd say.

So, let us all rejoice in the fact that God is Good All the Time and He who is Holy will not let someone such as Hilary win the most powerful position in the entire world... Amen?

And When It's All Over, We Still Have Each Other...

My To-Do List:
(I thought I was kind of stupid doing this, but the I remembered Angela did it,
and then Carmen did it, and anything Angela does is ALWAYS cool, and everything
Carmen does is perfect, so...)

-Math Test
-Finish Halo 3 with Londo
-Start my take-home quiz from Comm. Class
-Drink Coffee
-Take Travis out to dinner
-Start playing Halo 3 again with Londo
-Sleep (?)

It's Friday, and I'm pumped. My life has been blessed this past week, and just in that time I have a whole new outlook on my life so far. I am continuing to become more of a Christ-like example, and it's great.

My new favorite band is "Daphne Loves Derby" (Kayla will probably tell me she's glad I'm a 14-year-old girl, because that's what she said when I told her I liked "The Academy Is..."). Their acoustic album is great, and I highly recommend it to all who like an easy listen, or need a musical "out." My favorite song by them right now is called "Hopeless Love," which says absolutely nothing about Carmen and I. We're not hopeless loves, we're hopelessly in love, so... take that.

Wind sucks, but God is Good, All the Time...

Let's party

So I'll Stay Here, But Be Gone For Another Year...

So, as we all know, last week was basically a week off of school... Basically... And in such actions, obviously homework is not a priority, so naturally time is spent with friends, movies, and video games. I can just say right now that I'm never putting homework off again. I feel stupid. Homework will be conquered, and I will win! Whaaaahahahahahaha!!!

Anyway, I love Carmen, and that's pretty much all my life amounts to right now. Carmen, you are the center of my universe, and I love you with all the love one could love a lover with...

Be with me forever, my love...

It was meant to be...

100 Days for a Hopeless Case

...I just liked that title...
(made it up myself)

I work today, at Costco, for 4.5 hours. It won't be bad, besides, I like making my own money so I can do things I like doing. I also have to budget myself to pay for my car payments, and I'm going to start paying cell-phone payments-mainly because Verizon is filled with a bunch of bastards... I don't really like them right now. AT&T is looking more and more promising everyday. Mainly because of the Blackjack. Anyway-

The other day I realized that I need to work on holding my tongue more often than not. For example: I was walking by the PUB bus stop the other day during a snow storm. There was a narrow path to the door I wanted to go in and two Asians were approaching me from the opposite direction. Due to my ignorance, I was not going to move. So I basically ran into these two Asians. After which I said to them "Oh, excuse me. There's not enough room in American for the three of us!" Then I walked away.

After said incident, I felt a little guilty about what I had said. Then I realized two things: 1.) I need to work on my opinionated soul before I go straight to hell, and 2.) What I said kind of has some truth behind it. The whole 'not enough room' thing applies mainly to the inland North West... so, we can only take in so many Asians, ok? Immigrate to Texas, or America's Bread Basket for crying out loud (Kansas), somewhere that can officially take you in and say "yep, we've got room," not "wow, we're getting a little crowded around here, mmkay?" It's upsetting to know that Asians basically get a free ride to any American college they want because they're foreigners. That's not right in my eyes... And why do they immigrate over here all the time? 2 million a month, I heard (that's a combination of all immigrants, by the way. Though a majority of them are Asian, I presume. Probably because I'm biast, but oh well). What is so bad about Asia that you have to com over here? I mean, I understand the Korea thing, I mean, I wouldn't even live in the safe part of Korea. But China and Japan... come on. And I heard that the entire worlds population could fit within the Texas borders. In Texas. 6 billion people... That's sayin' somethin'...

Well, such is life... Hopefully before Bush resigns from office, he'll be able to crack down on illegal immigration like he has been saying for a while. I love Bush, don't get me wrong, but I'm kind of sick and tired of these immigrants who don't speak english. I am only racist against those individuals who won't adapt to American society. And that starts with learning the language, hokay? Right on, let's do this...

"In all our troubles, my joy knows no bounds"

Snow, Snow, Snow, Poop...

So, the last few days of school have been canceled, which makes for a good week... But, unfortunately, school starts up again today, which means I am NOT happy about it. I enjoyed my time away from school, and I just figure that Eastern should simply call off school for the whole week... Why? Well, 2 of the 5 days have already gone straight to hell, so why not?
The beautiful thing about college is that snow days/weeks are never made up. That's right ladies and gentlemen, this is not high school... This is the real world where school is something you choose to go to, not where you are made to go. I love it.

I watched a video on Kristin's blog yesterday, and it really hit me hard. I loved it, and it made me realize how much God does protect me from the things of the world, and all of the things He allows me to experience. I am completely blessed, and "in the arms of His mercy I find rest..." (thanks Angela, I love that).




How can I sit here with you and not be moved by you?
How can it possibly be any better than this?

I need you here, my Father. Bless all those whom I love, and let me be a light unto them when their days are dark...

My Favorite Highway

I have come across this new band, and they are amazing. Lyrically, their music abounds with stabs at my heart with every line, but musically, I find them kind of...amateur. Anyway, here are a few of their songs that I like...

How To Call A Bluff

Lonely, stubborn and complacent
You have insisted on leaving me here
Writing the same song I started last year
Lovely conjunctions and phrases
Plays on a few words, that you never meant
I must have misread all of the signals that you never sent

It's a bitter sweet life, and it's leaving me A-OK
It's a bitter sweet life, I have loved and lost my heart along the way

Maybe I could still hold you
Or you could call if you feel so inclined
Please take your time locating whatever you're trying to find
Maybe it's time to let go
But I'm too scared and so unprepared
How do I forget, every moment in time that we shared

I'm calling your bluff
I have toyed with the idea of burning your stuff
This is so rough
And it's as if deserting me wasn't enough
Well I've had enough
I'm calling your bluff

The Worst Way To Retaliate

Don't hesitate to break my back
You're a heart attack, you are everything I lack
If you feel the need to take my pride
Cut me down to size, cough up the truth and run and hide

You refuse to let me stay
I was not meant to bend this way
I could you I love you, but it won't be the same
The way that it ended means there's no one to blame
You weren't made to make me sing

Wide awake, you keep me up in bed
I got a hundred different things runnin' through my head
It's hard to fall asleep when all your dreams are dead
And I know you think about me too
Or I'm assuming in the back of your mind if you do
Subconsciously your hoping I come back to you

I hate to be the one to pick a fight
But you see, I know when I'm wrong and I know when I'm right
It's a challenge to be strong when you're so weary and trite
Don't hesitate to say you need some space
Well it seems that you have found somebody else to replace
The melancholy feeling that I have to embrace

Their name is My Favorite Highway, so give 'em a listen if you ever decide to broaden your musical horizons.

Where the Sea Meets the Land...

I have finally found my home away from home...

I feel at peace now, more than ever.
My circle of friends, and comfort, has extended so much the past month;
and I wouldn't have it any other way...

This is where I want to be. This is what I want to do. This is...who I feel I should be.

I praise my Father in heaven for all His wonders, and I am most grateful for all of it, most of which I do not deserve.
I still don't know what He wants me to do with my life, but as soon as I know... Everyone get out of my way, because nothing will stop me....

Nothing.

Something's Lost, but Something is Gained by Living Everyday...

So, my first blog... No use in beating around the bush... let's get right to it.

My life has been one of blessing and fortitude. My father in heaven has given me more than I deserve, and yet he still continues to bless me all my days. I am a man who is eternally grateful for all I have been given, and all I will receive. At times, though, there are things in which I do not understand, which I will attempt to gain knowledge of through prayer, the bible, my family, and experiences...my own experiences. I usually understand things better after I've written them down, which I believe this will be for...

In the midst of these blogs, I may swear numerous times, I may seem racist, but this is how I feel and I will voice my feelings when need be... This doesn't make me any less of a man; this just makes me less of a push-over. The world needs people who are strong and determined in their faith and values. Ones who will push the competition over and call out their lies in front of them... I am such a man, and will not adhere to the ways of the world. I live in it, but am not of it. So, there it is.

I wrote this while I was in the library the other day...while I was doing homework...
Here it is:

And as I sit here and think:
Has my life amounted to anything?...

With covered eyes I looked at life as a playground-my playground.
Traveling everywhere I could at the speed of sound-never turning around.
With ears that could hear the clouds scrape,
and eyes that could see into the deepest, darkest of souls;
I couldn't hear the danger coming my way,
nor could I see what heartache lies so close...

An absent mind in my body, I dive in.
Completely at peace with what I've done, and excitement plastered on my selfish grin.
I give it all, everything I've got to what I wanted,
While forgetting about the things most important...
I loved where I was, I loved the feelings I had
I loved the warm touch of the hands, and I longed to gaze into those eyes...
Paradise... or so I thought.

Still, with my covered eyes, I see the joy that sadness brings,
I laugh at the fact that misery loves its company,
and I see...only what I want to see.
Selfishness got in the way, just when I thought I knew it all,
I found out that I knew nothing-nothing at all...

With an attempt to put it all behind me,
I realize my past always comes back and sweeps me off my feet.
With a broken and tattered heart I dive back in,
Knowing I won't like it in the end.
History has spoken for itself, but it feels so good to put it on the shelf.
Waist another year to a hopeless romance in which I die-inside-
for the betterment of myself.

At my favorite time of year I hold on to, and give all myself to,
Something which has caused so many tears.
"this is the last time" I say,
but the beauty of this hopeless romance
forces me to try, try, and try again.

With my covered eyes, and broken heart
I realize my plans were flawed from the start.
So I'll stay here where I stand, but be gone for another year in my head.
How many times until the last?
Through endless liquid cures I'll find the answer.
All in due time.
I'll soon be fine.

My reoccurring annual nightmare comes to haunt me again,
The last time? No, just hold my hand, say anything and I'll be fine.
Tell me you'll love me and I'll believe you,
Tell me you don't, and I'll call you untrue.
It doesn't stop my broken, senseless heart from believing in what seems to be...
Unbelievable.

You obviously don't see what you do to me.
That's ok, I'll just tell you for the 15th time this week.
Maybe I missed something yesterday,
so I'll rewrite my lyrics so your shallow, impenetrable heart can understand.
"Why all this effort?" You ask...
"Isn't it obvious?" I respond. "I love you, and it's worth it."

How foolish...

So you get up and leave, you run, you hide...
I've seen it happen too much to call it the last time.
Apparently, "I love you" isn't enough,
so you run away from your life, from the ones you 'love'.
This is not what I need, this is not where I want to be...
My heavenly.

So now, with my uncovered eyes and my broken, yet wonderful, heart;
I take heed in the fact that I will live to fight another day.
And, dammit, it will be one hell of a day...today.
Today I leave it all behind,
I leave you behind.
Today I become the man I am meant to be
without you near to me...

I have spent the last 4 years doing my best to explain love,
some words that will describe this emotion feeling people speak so fondly of.
Then I realize what I should have known all along...
Those who think they know, or who think they can explain love,
don't really know what it is at all.

Love is the great mystery of our time...
And no one will ever figure this out, not in our lifetime.

So I'll pack up and move to California,
I think I'll go to Boston,
Hell, I'll do whatever I have to do to find a life away from my reoccurring nightmare,
which visits me every year...
To live a life apart from the torn and tattered beatings of my heart,
and all the pieces you have in the back seat of your car.

Keep it-because I'll never look back, I'll never turn around.
Life is my playground,
and I love the fact that I'll never know anything,
anything at all...